Letting go of the negative stories that imprison us
I have been working with a client for over 2 years who is an alcoholic. I will call him Mark. He is in his late 50's, divorced, and has 2 adult children. Mark is close with his kids and they are thriving in their careers and starting families of their own.
Mark was an active alcoholic when his kids were young and even though he had periods of sobriety during their childhood, he equated his alcoholism to him being a selfish and self-centered father. His ex-wife often told him if he really loved his family and thought of their feelings, he would stop drinking. Her argument made perfect sense to him and for over 2 decades, he explained his addiction to himself that he was selfish.
The notion of letting go of this story - or what we sometimes call in therapy, this "narrative" - was as absurd to Mark as would be accepting that the sky is any color other than blue.
I see many clients who struggle like Mark to let go of old negative stories that have defined us yet also imprisoned us. Unfortunately, what happens is that when we hold onto they imprison us by stopping us from changing or seeing an issue for what it honestly is. For Mark, defining his alcoholism in the terms that he was selfish and self-centered kept him stuck in a cycle of self-blame and self-flagellation because he could not see that he had an addiction and needed treatment. .
This is true for many people when we have these stories when we give ourselves an identity... and that identity we give up and accept who we are or we try to solve the wrong problem or we don't solve the problem... or we usually are held back is how I see it most often in my clients... For example, these stories we tell us as truths - I am not lovable, I am not pretty or smart or ... so we don't go for things we want... we don't take risks....
HOW DO THESE NEGATIVE STORIES AND BELIEFS START ?
It's heartbreaking to hear clients trace their beliefs back to one comment from a random person in their life or a parent or sibling: I have a young client who traces the start of her eating disorder to a moment when a girl at school tried to lift her and told her she was "too heavy'. I have another client who believes her brown hair is ugly because a boy she barely remembers said so long ago. Mark remembers his mom saying he was selfish for having a stomach ache at age 9 that caused the family to have to leave a dinner party early.
Society no doubt impacts us and our beliefs about ourselves and we are constantly bombarded with messages about what we should be, what we should look like, .... and social media can be a constant negative reinforcement of beliefs that we are not good enough, pretty enough, wealthy enough ne
HOW DO THESE BELIEFS BECOME ENTRENCHED?
Of course the origin of our beliefs are complex and most likely, not the "fault" of any one single person or event, but regardless, they become entrenched over time, as we repeat them to ourselves by playing them as the background noise of our internal soundtrack.
we are listening and looking for any possible evidence or validation of the belief so we can find it anywhere in a look we imagine someone gives us... we take personally, we explain it to have that meaning, we look at social media and imagine everyone else is interesting and not boring... we or I would never get that job, I am not smart enough so we don't even send them our resume...
I don't join a group of mom's because I am too boring... we don't let go of them because they are so entrenched and sometimes we I don't deserve to be treated that well so we don't aspire to be with a partner who we think is too good for us...
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?
In our sessions, as Mark talks me through problems that were in his marriage, his slips or relapses, or struggles at work, I see him unable to let go of these old beliefs as he traces each problem back to his self-described selfishness and so the cycle of self-flagellation continues.
Holding onto these stories stops us from growing or changing - not necessarily because we don't want to change - but because we can't see an issue an issue for what it honestly is. For example, Mark saw his alchohlism as him being selfish and self-centered instead of seeing himself as an untreated addict who needed help. Imagine what a different outcome that could have had for him if he had viewed himself in that way.
This isn't to say that we don't make mistakes or sometimes act in ways where we could have been more sensitive to others, but too often, these past actions are transformed into identities in our mind. What I have observed in my clients is that we too often over-generalize the bad moments in our past -- our mistakes -- and we minimize the good moments.
BUT THE BAD MOMENTS DON'T DEFINE US.
Why do so many of us hold onto negative stories that imprison us or cause us to be unhappy or cause problems in our relationships?
He has vivid memories of his mother telling him when he was around 9 or 10 years old and got a stomach ache at a dinner party, that his causing the family to have to leave early was selfish and disrespectful to the family who so kindly invited them to the party.
I
My client has been in AA for decades and credits AA for helping him stay sober, developing a community of support, and seeking therapy when he would not have otherwise. But, he has also had several slips over the last decades and sometimes, he has felt ashamed to share that with his peers in AA for the fear of being judged. Of course, AA is where alcoholics are supposed to feel safe sharing their cravings and their slips but in my practice, I have seen many alcoholics who, unfortunately, have also felt this fear of judgment when they have slipped.
In our work together, I was struck that his "allegiance" to AA, which I believe rightfully encourages alcoholics to take responsibility for the harms that they have caused, was actually preventing him from forgiving himself. He was trapped in a negative self-induced cycle that maybe started out with positive intentions on his part to take responsibility for his past actions but then got mixed up with old messages from his childhood and very black/white interpretations of AA
Then I asked him, "Imagine what it would feel to be told those things about yourself for the last 25+ years?"
My client has a nephew he adores who is 8 years old so I asked him if he could imagine someone saying those words to his nephew for the next 25+ years. He said, “It would feel terrible. I would never want anyone to say those awful things to him. I would never let them!”
It was so clear to him that he would never let someone say those things to a person he loved and cared about yet we say those things to ourselves without a hesitation.
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Especially NOT when we were younger. My client had done so many kind, caring, and supportive acts for his sister but he minimized those and focused on a moment when, in his mind, he failed her. It is true that in that moment, he might have been selfish or self-centered. We don't have to gloss over our mistakes in our past or tell ourselves false truths that we were perfect and did no wrong. But in the bigger picture, we need to come to accept that we all make mistakes.
Now, I need to clarify what I mean by young mistakes because I am NOT referring to major "mistakes" such as murdering or raping someone, intending to cause physical harm, committing a school shooting, bullying etc. These actions are in an entirely separate category and this may be controversial to say, but I believe in some cases, those mistakes actually DO define a person (but that is a topic for a different post).
The mistakes I am talking about are YOUNG mistakes that we all made when we didn't necessarily have the skills, the tools, or the guidance to know any better. It's important that we do not allow these mistakes, the inevitable byproducts of our growth from child to adult, to define or dominate our self-image in our later years. Like my client, we need to see the larger picture of who we are and forgive the errors we have made along the way.
When we try to start changing that negative thinking pattern, it will take work and effort. It won't happen overnight and we will naturally and habitually go to those negative thoughts because those are where we have gone repeatedly in the past. But when we catch ourselves, take deep breathes, and go through the new thoughts where we focus on understanding and kind words to our younger self, we can retrain our brains to go in this positive direction instead of following the old negative patterns.
After reading this, can you think of anything from your past that you can't forgive yourself for? What is stopping you?
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